April 29th was another Champaign-day. Lucas has exhausted his vacation time so it was the one time Emma and I went by ourselves. I just had a bad feeling about the day....but was hopeful. Unfortunately, our gut feeling was correct. Dr. Schmit called me as I was out running errands and asked me to come back to the office so we could talk. I cried most of the way back to U of I.
As I sat nervously waiting to get called back, a man that I'd noticed earlier (and from prior visits) sat next to me. I'd smiled at him earlier and gotten nothing back. He was one of those rather gruff-looking men. All business. Farmer-type. Didn't appear to be very friendly. His border collie was very sweet and well-behaved though. Well anyway, he sat down next to me. As I nervously tapped my foot, he finally said something to me about the weather. And then he asked me what my dog had. With a giant lump in my throat, I told him lymphoma. He said, "Yeah, mine too." and a tear rolled down his cheek. We chatted for the next several minutes and as I got called back, he told me to come find him after.
I went in to talk to Dr. Schmit. She'd told me on the phone that it wasn't panic-time. But it ended up being about as close as it gets. She basically reiterated what she'd said before - Emma's type of cancer is very aggressive. She's just not responding anymore to the CCNU. There's another type of chemo drug that we could try....but based on her poor response to the "big drugs", there isn't much hope of it doing anything. She said we could start her back on steroids and do the elspar (chemo bandaid) that we'd done before to kick-start those into her system. Lucas and I had decided much earlier that once this second round of chemo stopped working, we'd let go. But now being faced with the decision for real.......wow, it was hard. My gut said that we needed to stop, but my heart didn't want to. I asked Dr. Schmit the dreaded, "what would you do if you were me?" She said that she would stop chemo and go home with steroids. I called Lucas in tears. But that's what we decided to do. She's been through so much and it's time to let her have some peace. The doctor said it could be anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months. We were of course hopeful for the 2 months, but knew in our hearts that we didn't have very long. She told us to pick 3-5 things that Emma loves or that are unique to her. Once she starts losing interest in those, then her quality of life is diminishing and it's time.
I sobbed in the room for a while and then went to the bathroom and cried some more. I came out and my new friend was waiting for me. He didn't say a word but motioned to the door. We walked out and he put his arm around me. I told him what Dr. Schmit had said and apparently, we could've saved her the time and she could've talked to us both together. He'd gotten the exact same news. His dog Magic has been fighting for 18 months. She's responded well to everything, but they're simply out of drugs. He decided to try the one final drug, but he also was sent home with steroids and was hoping for the best. We talked and cried together for the next hour and a half or so. I'm so grateful to have met him that day. He comforted me and I was hopefully able to comfort him, which helped too. It was so nice to be able to share with someone that really understands. I can't believe that I thought he was this mean, rough guy and he ended up being this sweet, sensitive man who loves his dog as much as I love mine. I never even got his name....
One of the hardest parts of the day was not making that follow-up appointment as we checked out. Unbelievable. I just knew it was going to be a bad day......
2 years ago
