Things I Love and Will Miss About Our Emma

I'm kind of copying from my friend Kristin, who lost her poor Charlie cat recently. :(

Lucas and I have been talking about all of the wonderful things about Emma, and I started to jot some of them down. Then I decided to make a list like Kristin has done. It's been kind of therapeutic. :)

- The way she woke me up every morning with a nudge and a kiss. (In the last several months, our routine has been up by 5:30 (she seemed to have an internal clock) and out to the kitchen for her meds (in cheese!). She'd go out to potty while I checked the news for weather. Then she went back to bed and I'd hop in the shower). Really hard to wake up alone and just go straight into the shower.....

- The way she waited outside my bathroom door w/ a Kong in her mouth for breakfast. I'd open the door after my shower and she'd get so excited. We'd always be afraid she'd wake up Carson. :) (She had to wait an hour between her medicine and breakfast. It was always so hard telling her no, it wasn't time yet).

- The way her tail thumped loudly against everything (see above re. waking up Carson).

- Our "five-minute belly rubs" every morning.

- Her kisses.

- Her excitement over biscuits.

- Her genuine love of green beans. (Dinner tonight was really hard......too many green beans left over).

- The way she ate everything that Carson dropped at dinner. She'd lay under the table just hoping for something.

- The way she greeted me when I got home (and everyone really) - always w/ a very vocal "hello", and always w/ something in her mouth. She'd grab whatever was closest to greet you. She had to go in between your legs and circle once, her entire body "wagging" back and forth.

- The smell of her feet (like Fritos).

- The way she could pick out her toys by name (piggy, froggy).

- Her absolute joy when hearing the word "walk" or when we'd grab her leash. We'd always have to spell out w-a-l-k so she wouldn't get too crazy before we were ready to go.

- The way she loved and accepted her little brother into the family.

- The way she loved her "vent" in the summer.

- The sound of her jewelry (collar & tags).

- Her beautiful eyes.

- Her smile.

- Playing "rolly-ball" with her.

- How she had a special bond w/ "piggy" and "froggy". (We had/still have several spares just in case one tore or the squeaker broke).

- The way she played ball with herself when she ate. (Before her legs hurt, we'd throw the ball down the hall for her between bites).

- The way I held her paw as we feel asleep on both her first night with us here and what we thought was our last night with us (Sunday). We had one more night with her. :)

- How she'd come running from anywhere in the house at the sound of a sliced cheese wrapper (or cheese stick).

- The way she understood what "night-night potty" meant.

- How, at the sound of the stick in the door and/or jingle of the biscuit container handle, she'd take off running down the hall, up her stairs, and onto the bed, waiting (and drooling) for her night-night biscuit.

- How she'd lay on me at night.

- How she'd follow us from room to room and cry if I closed a door without her in a room (like to study).

- How she'd lay in my tiny bathroom w/ me as I put on makeup and how she'd sit up and lean w/ her full body weight against me.

- How she'd fall asleep when we brushed her.

- How she was always just so good. She always listened, stayed in her yard, never ate what she wasn't supposed to, never tore anything up, loved everyone.....

- The way she protected me, especially once I got pregnant.

- The way she protected the house/all of us. I always felt very safe at night w/ her there. I know she'd hear anything.

- How she'd "orbit" when she was little and run all over the house.

- How she loved the big couch downstairs.

- How she was a good big sister and alerted us when Carson got sick in his crib.

- How she'd lay in the bathroom when we'd give Carson a bath.

- How beautiful and soft she was after "spa day" (and w/ bows!).

- How she'd let us dress her up for Halloween.

- How she only barked when she meant business.

- How she loved hot dogs!

- Her beautiful "whiteness" (white chest).

- Her amazingly silky soft ears.

- She was Carson's "Sissy" and our "Pumpkin Nunkin".

- The way she could find me anywhere in the house if I was crying, like she just knew. She'd crawl into my lap and shower me with kisses. She made everything better. Not sure what to do now that my tears are all for her......

- How she was the sweetest, smartest, most precious little girl in the entire world. We were so lucky to have been her parents. :)

Emma Lynn Bland - 1/24/04 - 5/17/11

Yesterday morning, we said goodbye to our Emma. She truly was the heart of our family. She was our daughter. Our first baby. I honestly don't know what we're going to do without her. We miss her so much already. I always knew, but now we're really realizing, how absolutely intertwined in our lives she was. Every routine involved her. I can't even explain the hole that we feel in our hearts. It physically hurts. People have asked how we're doing and I don't know what else to say besides we're just so sad. My stomach just hurts all the time. And my eyes burn from crying so much. It's hard to be in this house with reminders everywhere. Everywhere I look, I expect to see her. Every room I go in, I expect her to follow me. It's unbelievable. I just can't believe that she's gone.

Dr. Johnson thankfully came to the house and we were able to say goodbye in comfort. I just can't imagine taking her to some office, in some exam room. She was lying in my lap, on her pillow, with her favorite stuffed animals. We petted her and talked to her as she drifted off to sleep. They were so gentle and respectful with her. They went outside and gave us a few minutes alone with her. Dr. Johnson cried with us. He's been her doctor since she was a puppy.

We picked up all of her stuff and took it downstairs. We just don't have it in us to go through it all right now. It's still so weird looking around the house and not seeing her toys everywhere. Our tiny living room seems way too big all of a sudden. I kind of lost it when I went into our bedroom. Her stairs were still there and all I could picture was her lying in bed, waiting for her treat. I think going to bed last night and getting up this morning were some of the hardest moments so far. Like I said, routines will be hardest.

Carson has asked for her. When we got home last night, he didn't say anything at first, but then he ran to the screen door, pressed his face against and yelled, "EMMA!" We knew he would look for her, but ugh......that about killed us. Then this morning, as he had his banana, I heard him yell out for her. "Emma! Emma!" They shared their banana every morning.....

I know I should focus on the fact that she's in a better place. And that she had a good life, overall. She made us so happy. I really am so thankful that she's not in any pain or discomfort anymore. It made me sick to my stomach to think that she could be suffering. I'm hopeful that we made our decision before it got to that. Dr. Johnson agreed that it was time. He said we'd started to hit the wall but had not gone past, so I guess that's all we can ask for. He said she looked very tired. Our poor baby. It just happened so fast. We started to see signs that she just wasn't herself on Friday. Just little subtle things at first. Just a couple of those things that Dr. Schmit told us to look out for. We called first thing Monday morning to tell them it was time. I just can't believe that it was only 2 weeks. We were able to have some good moments together this weekend. And I'm thankful that I took a couple of days off last week so we could spend some time together. I think she was very tired, but hopefully not in any pain. We took a short walk together Tuesday morning, just down the street. And had lots of biscuits. Then we said goodbye.

Emma's first day at home
And her last.......
Rest in peace baby girl.

Emma

April 29th was another Champaign-day. Lucas has exhausted his vacation time so it was the one time Emma and I went by ourselves. I just had a bad feeling about the day....but was hopeful. Unfortunately, our gut feeling was correct. Dr. Schmit called me as I was out running errands and asked me to come back to the office so we could talk. I cried most of the way back to U of I.

As I sat nervously waiting to get called back, a man that I'd noticed earlier (and from prior visits) sat next to me. I'd smiled at him earlier and gotten nothing back. He was one of those rather gruff-looking men. All business. Farmer-type. Didn't appear to be very friendly. His border collie was very sweet and well-behaved though. Well anyway, he sat down next to me. As I nervously tapped my foot, he finally said something to me about the weather. And then he asked me what my dog had. With a giant lump in my throat, I told him lymphoma. He said, "Yeah, mine too." and a tear rolled down his cheek. We chatted for the next several minutes and as I got called back, he told me to come find him after.

I went in to talk to Dr. Schmit. She'd told me on the phone that it wasn't panic-time. But it ended up being about as close as it gets. She basically reiterated what she'd said before - Emma's type of cancer is very aggressive. She's just not responding anymore to the CCNU. There's another type of chemo drug that we could try....but based on her poor response to the "big drugs", there isn't much hope of it doing anything. She said we could start her back on steroids and do the elspar (chemo bandaid) that we'd done before to kick-start those into her system. Lucas and I had decided much earlier that once this second round of chemo stopped working, we'd let go. But now being faced with the decision for real.......wow, it was hard. My gut said that we needed to stop, but my heart didn't want to. I asked Dr. Schmit the dreaded, "what would you do if you were me?" She said that she would stop chemo and go home with steroids. I called Lucas in tears. But that's what we decided to do. She's been through so much and it's time to let her have some peace. The doctor said it could be anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months. We were of course hopeful for the 2 months, but knew in our hearts that we didn't have very long. She told us to pick 3-5 things that Emma loves or that are unique to her. Once she starts losing interest in those, then her quality of life is diminishing and it's time.

I sobbed in the room for a while and then went to the bathroom and cried some more. I came out and my new friend was waiting for me. He didn't say a word but motioned to the door. We walked out and he put his arm around me. I told him what Dr. Schmit had said and apparently, we could've saved her the time and she could've talked to us both together. He'd gotten the exact same news. His dog Magic has been fighting for 18 months. She's responded well to everything, but they're simply out of drugs. He decided to try the one final drug, but he also was sent home with steroids and was hoping for the best. We talked and cried together for the next hour and a half or so. I'm so grateful to have met him that day. He comforted me and I was hopefully able to comfort him, which helped too. It was so nice to be able to share with someone that really understands. I can't believe that I thought he was this mean, rough guy and he ended up being this sweet, sensitive man who loves his dog as much as I love mine. I never even got his name....

One of the hardest parts of the day was not making that follow-up appointment as we checked out. Unbelievable. I just knew it was going to be a bad day......

Emma update

We had Emma's normal blood test (one week after chemo) done yesterday. I am not even going to get into the story of actually getting it drawn because I'm still pissed off. But we were finally able to get it done and the nice people at Meadowbrook (no, not our normal vet) kept the office open for us while we waited for the results. Well, unfortunately, it came back that her white blood count is extremely low. :( I guess adjusting the dosage of the CCNU didn't work. Jenny had explained last time that, with each treatment, it will take longer to bounce back and it won't back bounce as high. But we were all hoping that with the adjustment, she'd be fine. I guess it's still not cause for alarm. I haven't had a chance to speak with anyone at U of I yet. Hopefully Monday. But it's just discouraging for sure. Our local vet put her back on the antibiotic that she was on last time. Hopefully, it will work again and pull the numbers back up. She hasn't been as lethargic as she was last time they were low. She seems to be feeling fine. I just worry that we're beginning to near the end....not immediate of course, but closer. We'll see what they say at U of I. We just want her to be comfortable and happy. Cuddles and belly-rubs are the prescription for this weekend! :)

Emma update

We got a call last week from our vet. Our oncologist had called him to let him know that Emma's white blood count was low. Jenny had warned us that with this kind of chemo, sometimes the WBC had a harder time rebounding. But we were under the impression that it happened more often after a couple of treatments. It was disheartening to have it happen after her first. :( They started her on some medicine to see if it would help bring it up. She got her blood drawn again on Thursday so we'll see what it says. She's supposed to go for her next chemo treatment on Friday. If it doesn't come up, I don't know that they be able to give her another treatment. The hard reality is sinking in that we're not going to have much time left with her.

It's really hard to think about, but we at least briefly discussed "the end" with our vet. He now makes house calls. He assured us that he could come to the house when it's time. That's very comforting to me to know that she'll be with us at home and not in some tiny, cold exam room. She'll be on her pillow and surrounded by her favorite toys, etc. She's been such a huge, wonderful part of our lives and I only hope that she's had a wonderful life with us as well.

We're not giving up yet though. We'll see how this week goes and plan on another trip to Champaign! :)

Back to Champaign

We were scheduled to go back to Champaign today for Emma's follow-up appointment. Sadly, we noticed last week that the lymph nodes in her neck were very swollen. We called U of I and they said that we should bring her in right away. Thankfully, we were both able to take off work on Thursday. Lucas and I knew what it meant, but we were still hoping that they would tell us that what we felt really weren't her lymph nodes. Dr. Schmit confirmed at first touch what we feared - Emma's cancer is back. All of her lymph nodes were swollen. Even though I knew what was coming, it was still so hard to hear. I guess that I've kind of been in denial. I'd kind of fooled myself into thinking that, since she responded so quickly and so well to her chemo, she'd be in remission for several months. I still can't believe that it came back so soon. It's only been 4 weeks since her final treatment. The doctor said that it's good that we called and were able to get her in Thursday. It could've been much worse if we'd waited until today (Monday). This kind of cancer is so aggressive and days really can make a difference. She said that there's always a potential that the lymph nodes, especially in the neck, can swell so large and so quickly that it begins to cause problems with swallowing and breathing. It's unbelievable.

As I sat crying once again in front of the oncologist, she went over our options. If we opted to do nothing more, we would probably have a month. Maybe two. Her recommendation was to start another round of chemo. This time it would be a pill (CCNU). It can be administered every 3 weeks and indefinitely. However, at some point, it will stop being effective. I think Dr. Schmit said typically 2-4 treatments. Sometimes longer. My memory's a bit hazy. :) Our focus is on Emma's quality of life. Again, we don't want to keep her here with us if she's in pain or miserable. It was important to us to hear what the doctor thought. She said that it appears to her that Emma is still enjoying a good quality of life and she was very hopeful that she would respond to the CCNU. She was straight with us and reminded us that no matter what, Emma's not going to make it. Those are the hard facts. But she absolutely recommended that we try more chemo. That's really all we needed to hear. The financial aspect of it just really isn't important right now. There's no way we could say no further treatment as Emma looked up at Dr. Schmit with her tail thumping as she rubbed her belly. We just aren't ready to give up yet. I honestly can't imagine that day......or I should say that I don't want to. My hearts literally aches thinking about it. It makes me absolutely sick to think of someday coming home without her. But it's not here yet. So we will just pray that the CCNU is able to induce remission and that we have more time with her. Even if it's just a couple of months.

So they went ahead and gave her a treatment of elspar, which she had on our very first visit in October. It acts as a chemo "bandaid". They also gave her the CCNU pill. They said that within 24-48 hours we should notice her lymph nodes going down from the elspar. Then the pill should kick in. Thank God that seems to be the case. They are definitely significantly smaller than what they were last week. I'm so thankful that we were both able to get off work and get her in Thursday.

They put her on some medicine to prevent liver damage from the chemo. They also put her back on prednisone. We'll keep her on that from now on. Unfortunately, there are no long-term concerns anymore. I'm happy that she's on it though. She responded really well last time and was playing around like she used to. She barely limped at all last time. It just really sucks that she has bad legs AND cancer, but hopefully this will help both situations. I just need to prepare for lots of water, food, and trips outside. ;) She lost 3 pounds since her last treatment, so she could stand the increased appetite. Altogether, she's lost 17 pounds since last summer! She needed to lose some weight, especially with her knees, but that's still a shocking amount to me. The doctors said she's at a pretty good weight right now though for her legs, but to feel free to let her eat whatever. She's playing the "cancer-card" a lot right now and doesn't get turned down very often when she brings me her Kong. :) The spoiling certainly will not stop now!

Anyway, treatments will be every 3 weeks again. Like I said, we'll keep going until it stops working. We'll just have to hope for the best. We're so grateful for the U of I doctors. Her oncologist, Dr. Schmit, and chemo tech, Jenny, have been really wonderful. I have to admit though, I'm in Champaign WAY more than I ever wanted to be. I really wish treatment was closer. But we're not going anywhere this year for vacation, so right now, I can't think of a better use of my time. I'm just not ready to let her go yet.....she's my baby.

Last day of chemo!

Today was our last day of chemo - woo hoo! She was discharged with a report reading "we are so glad that she is in complete remission". And so are we! We were so devastated when we got her diagnosis, but we are so happy and thankful that she's responded so well to her treatments. These last few months (and hopefully many more) with her have been wonderful. The people at U of I are awesome. I just wish they were closer. :)

Today was actually Emma's first car accident too! (Mine as well!) We got clipped as we drove through Eureka by a little old man. He was pulling out from Hardee's and I guess he didn't see us. I saw him pulling out and tried to speed up to get out of his way. Didn't quite make it. We thought we got off lucky - didn't appear to be any damage. It looked like he hit the tire versus the actual car. I guess I should've thought then that that probably wasn't good either. :) We exchanged info and went on our way. We noticed right away that the steering wheel wouldn't straighten out. Figured it was just the alignment. We debated turning around and getting Lucas' car but figured it would be okay. Anyway, we decided to get it checked out in Champaign after we dropped Emma off - make sure it was okay to drive home. Turns out that it wasn't. :( Apparently, the rim was bent and the lateral pins that hold up the suspension were loose or broken. Who knows. But he said it wasn't safe to drive and parts would need to be ordered, etc. So the rest of the day was spent on the phone w/ State Farm and dealing w/ dealership and car rental. Not the day we had envisioned. We thought the most stressful part would be Emma's treatment! Who knew that would be the smooth part. Ha.

We made it home safely and the car rental agency "made an exception" and allowed Emma in the car. As if they had a choice. ;) She seemed to enjoy the new car and slept peacefully all the way home.

Anyway, we were able to meet with the oncologist today before being discharged. She said that she was pleased with Emma's response and she will need to come back once a month for the next 3 months to be rechecked. After that, every other month. So, it looks like Lucas and I will continue having our "date days" in Champaign for a while. Once the cancer is back, we'll talk about our options then. But hopefully it stays away for a long time! We got this little certificate too today. Cute. :)

Emma resting after a long day......

Happy Birthday Emma!

Happy birthday to our first-born! Yesterday was Emma's 7th birthday!! When we got her diagnosis a few months ago, we were afraid we wouldn't see this day. But it came and she's here and in remission. Thank God. We celebrated with lots of hugs and CAKE. :) Emma got her very own birthday cake from My Dog's Bakery. Carson wasn't too happy that he could not share with her......but he got over it. Finally. :) Her request for birthday dinner was her favorite - hot dog. She seemed to have a wonderful birthday. I hope so at least!

Emma - Santa 2010

We've been to see Santa quite a bit this year. :-) We went again today so Emma could see Santa at Petsmart. We have our framed (Petsmart) Santa pics displayed for each Christmas we've had with Emma.


We also went to Greenview a couple weeks ago. We tried to do both kids, but, once again, Carson was not crazy about Santa (so I unfortunately ended up in a couple pics).


Proceeds for both went to local shelters. Merry Christmas to all the furry babies out there too!