Things I Love and Will Miss About Our Emma

I'm kind of copying from my friend Kristin, who lost her poor Charlie cat recently. :(

Lucas and I have been talking about all of the wonderful things about Emma, and I started to jot some of them down. Then I decided to make a list like Kristin has done. It's been kind of therapeutic. :)

- The way she woke me up every morning with a nudge and a kiss. (In the last several months, our routine has been up by 5:30 (she seemed to have an internal clock) and out to the kitchen for her meds (in cheese!). She'd go out to potty while I checked the news for weather. Then she went back to bed and I'd hop in the shower). Really hard to wake up alone and just go straight into the shower.....

- The way she waited outside my bathroom door w/ a Kong in her mouth for breakfast. I'd open the door after my shower and she'd get so excited. We'd always be afraid she'd wake up Carson. :) (She had to wait an hour between her medicine and breakfast. It was always so hard telling her no, it wasn't time yet).

- The way her tail thumped loudly against everything (see above re. waking up Carson).

- Our "five-minute belly rubs" every morning.

- Her kisses.

- Her excitement over biscuits.

- Her genuine love of green beans. (Dinner tonight was really hard......too many green beans left over).

- The way she ate everything that Carson dropped at dinner. She'd lay under the table just hoping for something.

- The way she greeted me when I got home (and everyone really) - always w/ a very vocal "hello", and always w/ something in her mouth. She'd grab whatever was closest to greet you. She had to go in between your legs and circle once, her entire body "wagging" back and forth.

- The smell of her feet (like Fritos).

- The way she could pick out her toys by name (piggy, froggy).

- Her absolute joy when hearing the word "walk" or when we'd grab her leash. We'd always have to spell out w-a-l-k so she wouldn't get too crazy before we were ready to go.

- The way she loved and accepted her little brother into the family.

- The way she loved her "vent" in the summer.

- The sound of her jewelry (collar & tags).

- Her beautiful eyes.

- Her smile.

- Playing "rolly-ball" with her.

- How she had a special bond w/ "piggy" and "froggy". (We had/still have several spares just in case one tore or the squeaker broke).

- The way she played ball with herself when she ate. (Before her legs hurt, we'd throw the ball down the hall for her between bites).

- The way I held her paw as we feel asleep on both her first night with us here and what we thought was our last night with us (Sunday). We had one more night with her. :)

- How she'd come running from anywhere in the house at the sound of a sliced cheese wrapper (or cheese stick).

- The way she understood what "night-night potty" meant.

- How, at the sound of the stick in the door and/or jingle of the biscuit container handle, she'd take off running down the hall, up her stairs, and onto the bed, waiting (and drooling) for her night-night biscuit.

- How she'd lay on me at night.

- How she'd follow us from room to room and cry if I closed a door without her in a room (like to study).

- How she'd lay in my tiny bathroom w/ me as I put on makeup and how she'd sit up and lean w/ her full body weight against me.

- How she'd fall asleep when we brushed her.

- How she was always just so good. She always listened, stayed in her yard, never ate what she wasn't supposed to, never tore anything up, loved everyone.....

- The way she protected me, especially once I got pregnant.

- The way she protected the house/all of us. I always felt very safe at night w/ her there. I know she'd hear anything.

- How she'd "orbit" when she was little and run all over the house.

- How she loved the big couch downstairs.

- How she was a good big sister and alerted us when Carson got sick in his crib.

- How she'd lay in the bathroom when we'd give Carson a bath.

- How beautiful and soft she was after "spa day" (and w/ bows!).

- How she'd let us dress her up for Halloween.

- How she only barked when she meant business.

- How she loved hot dogs!

- Her beautiful "whiteness" (white chest).

- Her amazingly silky soft ears.

- She was Carson's "Sissy" and our "Pumpkin Nunkin".

- The way she could find me anywhere in the house if I was crying, like she just knew. She'd crawl into my lap and shower me with kisses. She made everything better. Not sure what to do now that my tears are all for her......

- How she was the sweetest, smartest, most precious little girl in the entire world. We were so lucky to have been her parents. :)

Emma Lynn Bland - 1/24/04 - 5/17/11

Yesterday morning, we said goodbye to our Emma. She truly was the heart of our family. She was our daughter. Our first baby. I honestly don't know what we're going to do without her. We miss her so much already. I always knew, but now we're really realizing, how absolutely intertwined in our lives she was. Every routine involved her. I can't even explain the hole that we feel in our hearts. It physically hurts. People have asked how we're doing and I don't know what else to say besides we're just so sad. My stomach just hurts all the time. And my eyes burn from crying so much. It's hard to be in this house with reminders everywhere. Everywhere I look, I expect to see her. Every room I go in, I expect her to follow me. It's unbelievable. I just can't believe that she's gone.

Dr. Johnson thankfully came to the house and we were able to say goodbye in comfort. I just can't imagine taking her to some office, in some exam room. She was lying in my lap, on her pillow, with her favorite stuffed animals. We petted her and talked to her as she drifted off to sleep. They were so gentle and respectful with her. They went outside and gave us a few minutes alone with her. Dr. Johnson cried with us. He's been her doctor since she was a puppy.

We picked up all of her stuff and took it downstairs. We just don't have it in us to go through it all right now. It's still so weird looking around the house and not seeing her toys everywhere. Our tiny living room seems way too big all of a sudden. I kind of lost it when I went into our bedroom. Her stairs were still there and all I could picture was her lying in bed, waiting for her treat. I think going to bed last night and getting up this morning were some of the hardest moments so far. Like I said, routines will be hardest.

Carson has asked for her. When we got home last night, he didn't say anything at first, but then he ran to the screen door, pressed his face against and yelled, "EMMA!" We knew he would look for her, but ugh......that about killed us. Then this morning, as he had his banana, I heard him yell out for her. "Emma! Emma!" They shared their banana every morning.....

I know I should focus on the fact that she's in a better place. And that she had a good life, overall. She made us so happy. I really am so thankful that she's not in any pain or discomfort anymore. It made me sick to my stomach to think that she could be suffering. I'm hopeful that we made our decision before it got to that. Dr. Johnson agreed that it was time. He said we'd started to hit the wall but had not gone past, so I guess that's all we can ask for. He said she looked very tired. Our poor baby. It just happened so fast. We started to see signs that she just wasn't herself on Friday. Just little subtle things at first. Just a couple of those things that Dr. Schmit told us to look out for. We called first thing Monday morning to tell them it was time. I just can't believe that it was only 2 weeks. We were able to have some good moments together this weekend. And I'm thankful that I took a couple of days off last week so we could spend some time together. I think she was very tired, but hopefully not in any pain. We took a short walk together Tuesday morning, just down the street. And had lots of biscuits. Then we said goodbye.

Emma's first day at home
And her last.......
Rest in peace baby girl.

Swimming Lessons and Mother's Day

Carson had his first swimming lesson on 5/7/11. He was supposed to start the previous week but was running a fever from an ear infection and possible strep throat (Daddy had a horrible case of strep earlier in the week). The whole weekend ended up being all about Daddy for sure (not Lucas' fault). Carson wanted NOTHING to do with me and swimming lessons were no exception. It was fun to watch them together though. And that just let me take pictures, so it worked out.


I was hopeful for Mother's Day, but the mommy-boycott continued. Carson yelled at me every time I even made eye contact with him. I tried to pick him up a couple of times and he just screamed. I sat down on the couch next to him and he yelled "no" and climbed onto Lucas' lap. Needless to say, my overly sensitive butt dissolved in tears and remained that way on and off for a majority of the day. I know rationally not to take a toddler's mood to heart, but after 3 solid days, it hurt. I've definitely been in a dark funk since getting the news about Emma. All I kept thinking was that this is my last Mother's Day with one of my babies....and the other can't stand me.

We finally forced ourselves to get out of the house and went to the zoo. He FINALLY warmed up to me (I may have also bribed him with ice cream). By the time we got home, he wanted to read and color. Whew. Could've been a better day, but overall, I was just grateful to have both of my babies with me on Mother's Day. It's true when they say that you never know how much you can really love until you become a mother. I love being a mom.

Emma

April 29th was another Champaign-day. Lucas has exhausted his vacation time so it was the one time Emma and I went by ourselves. I just had a bad feeling about the day....but was hopeful. Unfortunately, our gut feeling was correct. Dr. Schmit called me as I was out running errands and asked me to come back to the office so we could talk. I cried most of the way back to U of I.

As I sat nervously waiting to get called back, a man that I'd noticed earlier (and from prior visits) sat next to me. I'd smiled at him earlier and gotten nothing back. He was one of those rather gruff-looking men. All business. Farmer-type. Didn't appear to be very friendly. His border collie was very sweet and well-behaved though. Well anyway, he sat down next to me. As I nervously tapped my foot, he finally said something to me about the weather. And then he asked me what my dog had. With a giant lump in my throat, I told him lymphoma. He said, "Yeah, mine too." and a tear rolled down his cheek. We chatted for the next several minutes and as I got called back, he told me to come find him after.

I went in to talk to Dr. Schmit. She'd told me on the phone that it wasn't panic-time. But it ended up being about as close as it gets. She basically reiterated what she'd said before - Emma's type of cancer is very aggressive. She's just not responding anymore to the CCNU. There's another type of chemo drug that we could try....but based on her poor response to the "big drugs", there isn't much hope of it doing anything. She said we could start her back on steroids and do the elspar (chemo bandaid) that we'd done before to kick-start those into her system. Lucas and I had decided much earlier that once this second round of chemo stopped working, we'd let go. But now being faced with the decision for real.......wow, it was hard. My gut said that we needed to stop, but my heart didn't want to. I asked Dr. Schmit the dreaded, "what would you do if you were me?" She said that she would stop chemo and go home with steroids. I called Lucas in tears. But that's what we decided to do. She's been through so much and it's time to let her have some peace. The doctor said it could be anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months. We were of course hopeful for the 2 months, but knew in our hearts that we didn't have very long. She told us to pick 3-5 things that Emma loves or that are unique to her. Once she starts losing interest in those, then her quality of life is diminishing and it's time.

I sobbed in the room for a while and then went to the bathroom and cried some more. I came out and my new friend was waiting for me. He didn't say a word but motioned to the door. We walked out and he put his arm around me. I told him what Dr. Schmit had said and apparently, we could've saved her the time and she could've talked to us both together. He'd gotten the exact same news. His dog Magic has been fighting for 18 months. She's responded well to everything, but they're simply out of drugs. He decided to try the one final drug, but he also was sent home with steroids and was hoping for the best. We talked and cried together for the next hour and a half or so. I'm so grateful to have met him that day. He comforted me and I was hopefully able to comfort him, which helped too. It was so nice to be able to share with someone that really understands. I can't believe that I thought he was this mean, rough guy and he ended up being this sweet, sensitive man who loves his dog as much as I love mine. I never even got his name....

One of the hardest parts of the day was not making that follow-up appointment as we checked out. Unbelievable. I just knew it was going to be a bad day......

Easter

Easter was fun this year. We started the day off with baskets for both kids. They each seemed to love everything. :)



We went to my Grandma's for the day and then came back and enjoyed Carson's first Easter egg hunt. He did very well and found all the eggs. Emma tried her best to help. :)

"I Love"

Carson said "I love you" for the first time - April 9th. Of course, like it seems with so many of his other moments, I was at work and missed it. But he said it to Daddy. And I got to hear it later that day. We've had the pleasure of hearing it many times since....it comes out as "I love!"

Hugs & Kisses

Carson started giving hugs and kisses in the last couple of weeks. We'd get an occasional kiss before, but hugs are new. And they both are on a regular basis now. Best. Thing. Ever. :)